Tuesday, June 18, 2002
I don't know how to start this thing. Dr. Ramirez says writing a diary is just for my benefit. But I already know all this stuff, so why keep one at all? Maybe I'll forget something? Or maybe I'll want to read it when I'm an old lady? That's hard to imagine. For some reason, I feel like I should do it anyway. Dad seems like he's really trying this time. I guess I'll try too and see how it goes.
Dad took me and Wynn yesterday. He made us go to bed early the night before, which was weird. We've tried a few therapists already, but Dr. Ramirez was different. First of all, her office was the bluest room I've ever seen. The carpet was grey blue. The walls, the curtains, the couches, all blue. Even her dress was blue! I think she really likes that color.
She started with the normal questions we were used to. How is our home life? All of us could tell you it sucks, but our answers would be completely different. Dad wants us all to get along and stop fighting. Easy for him to say. I'm not the disagreeable one. When Wynn and I fight, it's because she starts it. What am I supposed to do, not stick up for myself? It's his fault for not controlling her! It's mom's fault for leaving! Sometimes I think Wynn just wants anything to be mad at, and it doesn't matter what. Or she wants everything provided for her, and to be left alone in her room. Can you believe she turned fourteen last month? She's four years older than me and still acts like such a baby!
That's how the conversation went. Not word for word, but you get the idea. Dr. Ramirez started taking notes, then held up her hand when she heard enough. Amazingly, Wynn actually shut up. I could tell dad already had another headache. Dr. Ramirez told us we were good candidates for her process, but warned it would be "unorthodox".
I heard that word last week too. Aunty Imogen came over to see dad after bedtime. I couldn't sleep and overheard them talking. I'm pretty sure he was crying. That's when she told him about Dr. Ramirez. She used the word "unorthodox" at first, then "taboo". I looked the words up on my iBook. Apparently taboo means forbidden. Why would aunty Imogen tell dad to take us to a "forbidden" therapist?
Dr. Ramirez explained that she uses hypnosis in family therapy. Okay, so that's a little weird, but taboo is a stretch. Still, the idea of being hypnotized in front of dad gave me butterflies. Wynn started yelling again. I think it gave her butterflies too because she was blushing like crazy. Dr. Ramirez talked her down and convinced us to at least give it a try. She lit a mint scented candle, gave us a glass of bitter tasting orange juice, then had us lay on the couch together. Dad knelt on the floor, his hands covering our foreheads like he was praying to us or something. It was hard not to laugh. Then I noticed the warmth from his hand spreading over my face, and I didn't exactly feel like laughing anymore. We closed our eyes and Dr. Ramirez spoke in a soothing voice. Everything after that was like a dream. I think I remember Dr. Ramirez' voice (in my head it sounded like my own voice) telling me to retreat to a safe place. I imagined myself drifting into my dad's arms, like I was on a raft, floating in the water. I could feel the warmth from his hand spreading from my face to my chest, down to my stomach, then down to my... never mind. This isn't a dream journal.
Dr. Ramirez told us hypnosis isn't like in the movies... people don't usually black out and forget everything. Well, if I didn't black out, maybe I got so relaxed that I fell asleep? I hope I didn't mess everything up... I wonder if Wynn remembers. I'm kind of scared to ask her.
By the time I woke up, it was already over. Dad's face was beet red for some reason. Oh god. Did I say something to embarrass him? Was I dream talking?
Dr. Ramirez asked dad if he understood everything and he nodded, still blushing. What did they talk about? Did it have to do with the hypnosis? Why did I have to pass out? Ugh! Then she told us about keeping a diary, and about "obeying" dad. For some reason that word gave me butterflies again. "It's really important if any of this is going to work."
If any of WHAT is going to work? Why do I feel like I'm missing something?
And then we were leaving. Apparently I'd been asleep for almost an hour. Was the entire therapy session just hypnosis? Like I said, Dr. Ramirez is weird. But it didn't end when we walked out of the building. Things just kept getting weirder.
When we got home, dad sat us both at the dining room table. He looked as deadly serious as that time he made me have "the talk". After a long silence, he finally spoke up. "There are going to be some big changes around the house," he said. He could barely get another word out before Wynn was yelling again. She's not fond of the "house rules" we have already, so I get why she would throw a tantrum over adding more. But dad seemed to have an answer for everything. "You already both agreed to give this a try." That was true, but I didn't really get what "this" was that we agreed to. Apparently it was more embarrassing than I could have imagined. Dad raised his voice to cut Wynn off. "We went through all the trouble of going to see Dr. Ramirez. The least we can do is put in some effort!"
"Fuck Dr. Ramirez!" Wynn shouted.
For a few seconds, dad looked angrier than I've ever seen him. It kind of scared me. Then the expression was gone and he just looked sad. "Take off your pants and lie across my lap."
We both knew what that meant. We got plenty of spankings when we were little. Mostly from mom, but sometimes from dad. But we aren't little anymore. I expected Wynn to blow her lid, but she didn't. She stopped yelling immediately. It was like he'd put in a cheat code. She pulled down her pants and panties right there in the dining room, then draped herself over his knees! He took a deep breath and actually started smacking her ass! And I don't mean lightly. I can still hear the slaps echoing in my head. She started whimpering. I looked away, feeling embarrassed.
Dad barked my name in a stern voice that made me jump. "Eyes up here. You need to watch this." He turned his chair to give me a better view. He kept smacking her, and her cheeks started to redden. Her legs turned to jelly as she started to cry, and I could see a glimpse of her pussy. I wanted to look away again, but I knew dad would yell at me. Was he making me watch as a warning to behave? Or was it another part of Wynn's punishment? He spanked her ten times in total, then let her stand up again. She took her spot beside me, quietly crying.
If you're thinking, "Okay, a hypnotherapist and a dad spanking his kids is weird, but at least it ends there," have I got some bad news for you. My life just keeps getting weirder by the minute.
"If you're going to behave like babies, that's how you're going to be treated from now on. That includes wearing diapers." My heart skipped a beat. I looked at Wynn, expecting her to say something, but she was still rubbing her eyes, sobbing. I guess all the fight had been spanked out of her.
He said more stuff after that, but I could hardly follow after the diaper news. What am I supposed to do with that? Apparently he's going to take us shopping for diapers tomorrow. Wynn is sleeping as I type this all out. I'm not sure how she can sleep at a time like this.
Why does the whole thing give me butterflies? Maybe I should just try not to think about it. Maybe Wynn has the right idea. I think I'll try to sleep.
Signed,
Ashley
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Remember when I said my life keeps getting weirder by the minute? Yeah, you can multiply that by a hundred. Dad wasn't bluffing about the diaper thing AT ALL. He took us shopping after he got home from work. Wynn looked like she wanted to say something on the car ride, but I think she thought better of it. Dad had trouble actually finding the right size to buy for us. We hadn't thought of taking measurements beforehand. I guess it's not something you'd really think about because you don't generally buy diapers for kids our age. We ended up having to ask a clerk. The way dad explained it, he made it sound like Wynn and I were bedwetters! We left with a shopping cart full of diapers and some baby powder. Even the cashier made a joke about it. I've never been so mortified in my life! Wynn's face was red and I'm sure I looked the same.
I was still thinking about the whole experience when we got home. I hardly considered the idea that we'd actually be wearing the things. Dad went upstairs and came back with a towel, spreading it on the living room floor. "Go on, you two. Strip down to your shirts."
"What?" My voice came out like a mouse.
"How else am I going to put on your diaper?" We looked at each other, trying to find a way out of the situation. I would have preferred to put it on myself, but I think that was out of the question. The butterflies were back. My heart was pounding. Wynn started to pull her pants down first. I guess that made it easier. I tried leaving my underwear on. That didn't work. "Panties off too, Ashley!" dad said.
Wynn was naked from the waist down, just like the other day. "You know what he meant, dumbass!"
My blood was boiling at that, but dad cut me off before I could think of a comeback. "Wynn, do you want another spanking like last night?"
That shut her up immediately. She shook her head, staring at the floor. "No, daddy."
I summoned all of my bravery and pulled off my panties. It felt so weird being naked in the living room like that. Dad pulled me down to the towel by the hand. He pushed my ankles apart, making me spread my legs. He was gentle, but didn't give me a choice. I tried to cover my crotch but he pulled my hand away. "Don't touch yourself like that. It's not hygienic." I covered my face in embarrassment instead. I could hear Wynn snickering. I heard the sound of the diaper box opening, and the crinkling of the diaper. "Lift up your butt," dad said. I waited for something to happen. "Up!" This time I listened. I lifted myself off the towel and he slid the diaper under me. I waited for him to pull the diaper up and do the straps, but I felt him move away. I looked through my fingers to see him grabbing the baby powder. "You don't want to get a rash," he said. He opened the bottle, shook some powder onto his hand, then he started rubbing it into me. He actually put his hand right on my pussy! No one has ever touched me there before. Well, if I think about it, dad must have changed my diaper as a baby, but that doesn't feel like the same thing at all. His hand was warm, and shaking a little. For some reason, it made me think about being hypnotized, about my dream of drifting on a wave and feeling safe in his arms. He started to rub the powder around my crotch and the butterflies weren't just in my tummy anymore. I heard Wynn gasp. He pulled his hand away and finished doing up my diaper. He was blushing, just like in the therapy session. I realized I wasn't hiding behind my hands anymore, and had been totally watching everything. Dad turned to Wynn. "Your turn."
I got up and watched him do my sister. It felt weird seeing the whole thing from a different perspective. When Wynn spread her legs, I noticed she had light brown stubble that matched her hair. I guess it made sense she had hair down there, but I'd never thought about it. I had no idea she shaves! I wonder when I'll start growing hair.
We spent the rest of the evening together, watching movies. Dad says we're going to have "mandatory family time" from now on, every night. It felt weird hanging out wearing only a shirt and a diaper, but dad says he's going to start buying us new clothes. I'm guessing it's not going to be halter tops and capris.
Wynn tried to pick a fight with me before bed. Dad told us earlier that we weren't allowed to use the toilets without permission, but Wynn got the idea that midnight trips didn't count for some reason. At least, not if we didn't get caught. Apparently anything I said in response just made me a "daddy's girl". I would never tell her, but she did have one good point. Did dad really expect us to use the diapers? We were both whispering because we knew what would happen if dad caught us fighting again. Anyway, I don't think she was actually that angry because the fight didn't last long. We started talking about how weird the last two days had been, about mom, and about how it felt when dad put the diapers on us. I thought about telling her about the butterflies.
Just as I was falling asleep, the sound of crinkling woke me up. Wynn was moving around in her bed, next to me, making a quiet whimpering sound. I tried to focus my eyes in the pitch black. At first I thought she was crying. It took me a minute to realize she was touching herself! I wish I could call her weird. I mean I've done it too, but only ever in the shower, or when she was at a friend's house. But I started thinking about dad touching me, and spankings, and "forbidden" therapy, and I couldn't help it. It's never felt like that. I guess this makes us both weird.
Signed,
Ashley
