Tuesday, June 18, 2002
I don't know how to start this thing. Dr. Ramirez says writing a diary is just for my benefit. But I already know all this stuff, so why keep one at all? Maybe I'll forget something? Or maybe I'll want to read it when I'm an old lady? That's hard to imagine. For some reason, I feel like I should do it anyway. Dad seems like he's really trying this time. I guess I'll try too and see how it goes.
Dad took me and Wynn yesterday. He made us go to bed early the night before, which was weird. We've tried a few therapists already, but Dr. Ramirez was different. First of all, her office was the bluest room I've ever seen. The carpet was grey blue. The walls, the curtains, the couches, all blue. Even her dress was blue! I think she really likes that color.
She started with the normal questions we were used to. How is our home life? All of us could tell you it sucks, but our answers would be completely different. Dad wants us all to get along and stop fighting. Easy for him to say. I'm not the disagreeable one. When Wynn and I fight, it's because she starts it. What am I supposed to do, not stick up for myself? It's his fault for not controlling her! It's mom's fault for leaving! Sometimes I think Wynn just wants anything to be mad at, and it doesn't matter what. Or she wants everything provided for her, and to be left alone in her room. Can you believe she turned fourteen last month? She's four years older than me and still acts like such a baby!
That's how the conversation went. Not word for word, but you get the idea. Dr. Ramirez started taking notes, then held up her hand when she heard enough. Amazingly, Wynn actually shut up. I could tell dad already had another headache. Dr. Ramirez told us we were good candidates for her process, but warned it would be "unorthodox".
I heard that word last week too. Aunty Imogen came over to see dad after bedtime. I couldn't sleep and overheard them talking. I'm pretty sure he was crying. That's when she told him about Dr. Ramirez. She used the word "unorthodox" at first, then "taboo". I looked the words up on my iBook. Apparently taboo means forbidden. Why would aunty Imogen tell dad to take us to a "forbidden" therapist?
Dr. Ramirez explained that she uses hypnosis in family therapy. Okay, so that's a little weird, but taboo is a stretch. Still, the idea of being hypnotized in front of dad gave me butterflies. Wynn started yelling again. I think it gave her butterflies too because she was blushing like crazy. Dr. Ramirez talked her down and convinced us to at least give it a try. She lit a mint scented candle, gave us a glass of bitter tasting orange juice, then had us lay on the couch together. Dad knelt on the floor, his hands covering our foreheads like he was praying to us or something. It was hard not to laugh. Then I noticed the warmth from his hand spreading over my face, and I didn't exactly feel like laughing anymore. We closed our eyes and Dr. Ramirez spoke in a soothing voice. Everything after that was like a dream. I think I remember Dr. Ramirez' voice (in my head it sounded like my own voice) telling me to retreat to a safe place. I imagined myself drifting into my dad's arms, like I was on a raft, floating in the water. I could feel the warmth from his hand spreading from my face to my chest, down to my stomach, then down to my... never mind. This isn't a dream journal.
Dr. Ramirez told us hypnosis isn't like in the movies... people don't usually black out and forget everything. Well, if I didn't black out, maybe I got so relaxed that I fell asleep? I hope I didn't mess everything up... I wonder if Wynn remembers. I'm kind of scared to ask her.
By the time I woke up, it was already over. Dad's face was beet red for some reason. Oh god. Did I say something to embarrass him? Was I dream talking?
Dr. Ramirez asked dad if he understood everything and he nodded, still blushing. What did they talk about? Did it have to do with the hypnosis? Why did I have to pass out? Ugh! Then she told us about keeping a diary, and about "obeying" dad. For some reason that word gave me butterflies again. "It's really important if any of this is going to work."
If any of WHAT is going to work? Why do I feel like I'm missing something?
And then we were leaving. Apparently I'd been asleep for almost an hour. Was the entire therapy session just hypnosis? Like I said, Dr. Ramirez is weird. But it didn't end when we walked out of the building. Things just kept getting weirder.
When we got home, dad sat us both at the dining room table. He looked as deadly serious as that time he made me have "the talk". After a long silence, he finally spoke up. "There are going to be some big changes around the house," he said. He could barely get another word out before Wynn was yelling again. She's not fond of the "house rules" we have already, so I get why she would throw a tantrum over adding more. But dad seemed to have an answer for everything. "You already both agreed to give this a try." That was true, but I didn't really get what "this" was that we agreed to. Apparently it was more embarrassing than I could have imagined. Dad raised his voice to cut Wynn off. "We went through all the trouble of going to see Dr. Ramirez. The least we can do is put in some effort!"
"Fuck Dr. Ramirez!" Wynn shouted.
For a few seconds, dad looked angrier than I've ever seen him. It kind of scared me. Then the expression was gone and he just looked sad. "Take off your pants and lie across my lap."
We both knew what that meant. We got plenty of spankings when we were little. Mostly from mom, but sometimes from dad. But we aren't little anymore. I expected Wynn to blow her lid, but she didn't. She stopped yelling immediately. It was like he'd put in a cheat code. She pulled down her pants and panties right there in the dining room, then draped herself over his knees! He took a deep breath and actually started smacking her ass! And I don't mean lightly. I can still hear the slaps echoing in my head. She started whimpering. I looked away, feeling embarrassed.
Dad barked my name in a stern voice that made me jump. "Eyes up here. You need to watch this." He turned his chair to give me a better view. He kept smacking her, and her cheeks started to redden. Her legs turned to jelly as she started to cry, and I could see a glimpse of her pussy. I wanted to look away again, but I knew dad would yell at me. Was he making me watch as a warning to behave? Or was it another part of Wynn's punishment? He spanked her ten times in total, then let her stand up again. She took her spot beside me, quietly crying.
If you're thinking, "Okay, a hypnotherapist and a dad spanking his kids is weird, but at least it ends there," have I got some bad news for you. My life just keeps getting weirder by the minute.
"If you're going to behave like babies, that's how you're going to be treated from now on. That includes wearing diapers." My heart skipped a beat. I looked at Wynn, expecting her to say something, but she was still rubbing her eyes, sobbing. I guess all the fight had been spanked out of her.
He said more stuff after that, but I could hardly follow after the diaper news. What am I supposed to do with that? Apparently he's going to take us shopping for diapers tomorrow. Wynn is sleeping as I type this all out. I'm not sure how she can sleep at a time like this.
Why does the whole thing give me butterflies? Maybe I should just try not to think about it. Maybe Wynn has the right idea. I think I'll try to sleep.
Signed,
Ashley
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Remember when I said my life keeps getting weirder by the minute? Yeah, you can multiply that by a hundred. Dad wasn't bluffing about the diaper thing AT ALL. He took us shopping after he got home from work. Wynn looked like she wanted to say something on the car ride, but I think she thought better of it. Dad had trouble actually finding the right size to buy for us. We hadn't thought of taking measurements beforehand. I guess it's not something you'd really think about because you don't generally buy diapers for kids our age. We ended up having to ask a clerk. The way dad explained it, he made it sound like Wynn and I were bedwetters! We left with a shopping cart full of diapers and some baby powder. Even the cashier made a joke about it. I've never been so mortified in my life! Wynn's face was red and I'm sure I looked the same.
I was still thinking about the whole experience when we got home. I hardly considered the idea that we'd actually be wearing the things. Dad went upstairs and came back with a towel, spreading it on the living room floor. "Go on, you two. Strip down to your shirts."
"What?" My voice came out like a mouse.
"How else am I going to put on your diaper?" We looked at each other, trying to find a way out of the situation. I would have preferred to put it on myself, but I think that was out of the question. The butterflies were back. My heart was pounding. Wynn started to pull her pants down first. I guess that made it easier. I tried leaving my underwear on. That didn't work. "Panties off too, Ashley!" dad said.
Wynn was naked from the waist down, just like the other day. "You know what he meant, dumbass!"
My blood was boiling at that, but dad cut me off before I could think of a comeback. "Wynn, do you want another spanking like last night?"
That shut her up immediately. She shook her head, staring at the floor. "No, daddy."
I summoned all of my bravery and pulled off my panties. It felt so weird being naked in the living room like that. Dad pulled me down to the towel by the hand. He pushed my ankles apart, making me spread my legs. He was gentle, but didn't give me a choice. I tried to cover my crotch but he pulled my hand away. "Don't touch yourself like that. It's not hygienic." I covered my face in embarrassment instead. I could hear Wynn snickering. I heard the sound of the diaper box opening, and the crinkling of the diaper. "Lift up your butt," dad said. I waited for something to happen. "Up!" This time I listened. I lifted myself off the towel and he slid the diaper under me. I waited for him to pull the diaper up and do the straps, but I felt him move away. I looked through my fingers to see him grabbing the baby powder. "You don't want to get a rash," he said. He opened the bottle, shook some powder onto his hand, then he started rubbing it into me. He actually put his hand right on my pussy! No one has ever touched me there before. Well, if I think about it, dad must have changed my diaper as a baby, but that doesn't feel like the same thing at all. His hand was warm, and shaking a little. For some reason, it made me think about being hypnotized, about my dream of drifting on a wave and feeling safe in his arms. He started to rub the powder around my crotch and the butterflies weren't just in my tummy anymore. I heard Wynn gasp. He pulled his hand away and finished doing up my diaper. He was blushing, just like in the therapy session. I realized I wasn't hiding behind my hands anymore, and had been totally watching everything. Dad turned to Wynn. "Your turn."
I got up and watched him do my sister. It felt weird seeing the whole thing from a different perspective. When Wynn spread her legs, I noticed she had light brown stubble that matched her hair. I guess it made sense she had hair down there, but I'd never thought about it. I had no idea she shaves! I wonder when I'll start growing hair.
We spent the rest of the evening together, watching movies. Dad says we're going to have "mandatory family time" from now on, every night. It felt weird hanging out wearing only a shirt and a diaper, but dad says he's going to start buying us new clothes. I'm guessing it's not going to be halter tops and capris.
Wynn tried to pick a fight with me before bed. Dad told us earlier that we weren't allowed to use the toilets without permission, but Wynn got the idea that midnight trips didn't count for some reason. At least, not if we didn't get caught. Apparently anything I said in response just made me a "daddy's girl". I would never tell her, but she did have one good point. Did dad really expect us to use the diapers? We were both whispering because we knew what would happen if dad caught us fighting again. Anyway, I don't think she was actually that angry because the fight didn't last long. We started talking about how weird the last two days had been, about mom, and about how it felt when dad put the diapers on us. I thought about telling her about the butterflies.
Just as I was falling asleep, the sound of crinkling woke me up. Wynn was moving around in her bed, next to me, making a quiet whimpering sound. I tried to focus my eyes in the pitch black. At first I thought she was crying. It took me a minute to realize she was touching herself! I wish I could call her weird. I mean I've done it too, but only ever in the shower, or when she was at a friend's house. But I started thinking about dad touching me, and spankings, and "forbidden" therapy, and I couldn't help it. It's never felt like that. I guess this makes us both weird.
Signed,
Ashley
Friday, June 21, 2002
I'm not sure how young I was when I last wore a diaper, but when I woke up this morning, I recognized the wet crinkling against my crotch immediately. I covered my mouth before I accidentally woke up Wynn. I thought maybe she had the right idea and wished I'd snuck a trip to the toilet. I tried to think of places to hide the diaper, but I'd need to steal a new one. I barely had a minute to brainstorm when dad called us downstairs. Wynn grumbled and stomped out of her covers, pulling her night shirt down to hide the diaper. When he led us into the bathroom, my heart sank. There would be no way to hide it. He was going to see my wet diaper. I don't know why, but I thought for sure he was going to be mad.
"Come on, Ashley," he said, patting the towel.
Before I realized it, I was on the floor, legs in the air, letting him pull the velcro straps away. The bathroom air pressed at my wet crotch. At that point, I was doing my best to hold back tears. "I'm sorry," I said, but my voice was so distant I don't think he heard me.
Wynn giggled and dad scolded her immediately. "Enough of that! What do you think the diapers are for? There's nothing wrong with using them."
I covered my face as he pulled the diaper away then grabbed some wipes to clean me off. It tickled but felt nice. If I kept my eyes covered, I could pretend I wasn't completely exposed. After a moment of laying there waiting, I felt the baby powder, then his warm hand rubbing it into me. Just like last time, I couldn't stop myself from watching through my fingers. Dad was touching my pussy! I thought about last night--about touching myself. His fingers felt different from mine, sending butterflies up my body. Before I could think any more about it he was already helping me up. Instead of putting a new diaper on, he made me strip naked!
"You two are going to share a bath," he said. "Come on, Wynn. Your turn." He laid her down and pulled her diaper off, frowning when it was dry. She was already making excuses before he could get a word out. Apparently, she didn't have to pee, but it only took a glance in the toilet to discover her lie. "Take off your clothes. Now." We both knew what was next. Just like last night, I expected her to talk back, or storm out of the room. Instead, she slumped her shoulders and stripped off her socks and night shirt! The old Wynn would have never done that. Did the hypnosis really do something? Did it do something to me? He pointed at the towel. "On your hands and knees." Again she did as she was told. He nudged her so her butt was pointed at me, then started spanking her. After the second slap, her knees bent and I could see her pussy. I felt naughty watching her like that, but I knew dad wanted me to look. The butterflies were swarming, rising in my chest. He stopped after ten spanks, leaving her whimpering on the towel. He ran the water as he rubbed cream on her butt. She was staring daggers through her tears but she let him do it. He gave us both a lecture about the toilet. Apparently we can still go to the bathroom, but only with permission, and only for number two. I guess even dad has his limits. If we get caught using the toilet just to pee or sneaking bathroom trips, he says there will be more punishments. I'm glad I didn't try anything sneaky.
It was weird being in the bath with Wynn. It's one of those big triangle hot tubs, so it's not too small, but we haven't been naked together since I was a baby. If I stretch out, my feet almost reach the other corner, which means Wynn and I have to scrunch up to avoid kicking each other. What's worse is dad wanted to wash us himself! Wynn said we could wash ourselves but dad wouldn't hear it. According to him, he had to treat us like babies in "every matter of life". That didn't just mean diapers and spankings, but bathing too. When he started to wash under my arms, I couldn't help but squirm. I didn't mean to, but I started splashing him with water.
Wynn said, "This isn't how you used to do it, remember? You should just get in the tub." Even though I could tell she was being sarcastic, he shook his head and stood up.
"You're right. I'm being silly." I don't think either of us expected him to actually agree, but he pulled off his shirt, then his pajama bottoms and underwear. It's been so long since I've seen dad naked, I think I've forgotten the memory. Not anymore. Now It's burned into my mind. I know one thing. I've never seen his penis so big. It was hard like we learned about in school. I've seen diagrams sure, but I've also looked up pictures on my iBook. I'm not a total prude. I know what it means when a guy is turned on, and dad was turned on! He didn't say anything about it. He just got in the bath with us. Wynn was blushing. I wonder if she could feel the butterflies too. With three of us in the tub, there wasn't even room to scrunch up. Our legs were all tangled. "Come on, Ashley," he said, then pulled me close to him, turning me around in the water. His voice was quiet, now. I wonder what he was thinking about. He washed us like it was completely normal, but it felt romantic. I had to hold my breath when he washed my pussy. My mind went back to the hypnosis. Were we naked in the dream, too? When it was Wynn's turn, I couldn't stop myself from staring at his penis below the water. For some reason, when we were clean he didn't wash himself. Instead, he got us out of the tub and put us on towels, then left the room and came back wearing pajamas. "I'll take a real shower later," he said while putting our diapers on. His hands were shaking a little. I was going to ask if he was okay but he kept talking. "We've got a lot to do today, no time to lose."
I was completely right, by the way. When dad said he was going to buy us new clothes, it was not anything fun. We spent the day visiting thrift stores, buying oversized baby clothes, and dad wasn't quiet at all about them being for me and Wynn. This old lady at Once Upon A Child gave us free rattles and soothers. I think she thought it was hilarious. I officially wanted to die. That would have been bad enough. But then we got home and dad completely emptied out our dressers! He says we can get our normal clothes back when we "grow up" again, whatever that means. I finally lost my temper. It was stupid and I wanted to take it back, but it was too late. There's not really much to say. Dad made me get naked, just like Wynn. He spanked me and made her watch. It hurt, and it was just as embarrassing as I thought it would be. Then he made me put both our new wardrobes away wearing only a diaper. He says I'm not allowed to wear anything else until tomorrow. I think the punishments are going to keep getting worse. I wish I hadn't yelled. I have to go downstairs soon for family time, then we have to go to bed early. We have another therapy session tomorrow. I really hope things get better. This is awful.
Signed,
Ashley
Saturday, June 22, 2002
So much happened, I don't even know where to start. We saw Dr. Ramirez again and it was even more weird than last time, but I'll get to that in a minute. I need to talk about last night. I went downstairs for family time and started shivering on account of being half naked. Wynn actually started being nice to me for once. She sat next to me and shared her blanket to keep me warm. We sat there like that for a whole movie! We even talked again at night without arguing. Wynn says she's had lots of boyfriends, but I think she might be lying. She says dad's dick is the biggest one she's seen before, though. That's what she calls it. His dick. I like how it sounds. I looked up some more pictures. There are way bigger dicks than dad's. But I still like the way dad's one looks. I listened to her touching herself again after she thought I was sleeping. I guess I shouldn't be embarrassed about doing it too.
Dad washed us again this morning after changing our diapers. Wynn actually peed in hers! I wonder how long she's been holding it. Her bladder must have been hurting! We did get to use the toilet once yesterday, but still. Dad's dick was hard again. When he was washing me, I couldn't get close enough to feel it. But I didn't bother holding my breath when he washed my pussy. It felt even better than yesterday. He left the bathroom without washing himself again. That doesn't seem fair.
He made us wear baby onesies over our diapers to the doctor's office, with our bare legs exposed down to our sneakers. We were ambushed with pointing, staring strangers for the entire two block hike from our parking spot. Dad waved at one of them like nothing was wrong. It's like he's trying to embarrass us or something!
The therapy session was just as weird as last time. Dr. Ramirez gave us that gross tasting orange juice again. Dad put his hands on our foreheads, she talked in that soft voice, I started getting really tired, then I fell asleep. I had the same dream. Well, maybe it was the same. I remember it better this time. Dad and I were definitely naked in this one. We were on the raft again. He held me, his hand sliding down my body, pulling the butterflies with it. His fingers slid over my pussy like when he washes me, but this time he didn't stop. He kept moving up and down, creating more and more butterflies. I've never felt anything like that before in a dream.
When I woke up, the whole hour had passed again. Dad was blushing just like last time, and he looked out of breath. Dr. Ramirez was smiling and she had a notebook open, full of writing. What the hell? What happened? What was that dream?
After we left, things seemed calm compared to the last few days. Dad took us for ice cream. We had dinner and "family time" without anyone exploding or getting spanked. Dad let us use the toilet. But I don't trust Dr. Ramirez. Why is Wynn doing whatever dad says now? Why did Aunty Imogen have to warn dad about Dr. Ramirez before recommending her? Why is a "taboo" doctor making dad put us in diapers? Why do I keep passing out? I bet she put something in that orange juice. I need to think of something.
Signed,
Ashley
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
Sorry I didn't write anything for the last two days. There's not much to tell. We hung out around the house. Dad made us go to the park, but we got to wear skirts and you almost couldn't notice the diapers. Wynn and I got in a few fights and we both got spankings a few times. I was right about the punishments getting worse. Dad increased the number of spankings from ten to fifteen, but now he makes us spread our legs when he does it. He says being embarrassed is part of the punishment. Yesterday I had to be completely naked for an hour in "time out" while Wynn watched TV next to me. I'm embarrassed to admit it but I thought about it when I was touching myself last night. We have another therapy session on Thursday and I think I have an idea on how to stay awake. I'm going to ask dad for a sippy cup. If i'm right about the orange juice, this might work.
Signed,
Ashley
Thursday, June 27, 2002
At the beginning of this diary I wrote that things keep getting weirder by the minute. I wish I could go back to that version of me. I had no idea. I don't even know what to believe anymore. I'll try my best to keep everything in order.
Today started like most days this week. Dad actually washed himself in front us. He was hard, and he didn't try to hide his dick. Wynn nudged me when she saw me staring, but dad didn't seem to notice.
Wynn made fun of me when I asked to bring the sippy cup, but dad didn't mind. I told him I got thirsty during therapy and he seemed to think it was a good idea. He filled it with water for me. I'm glad he bought me a pink one instead of clear. I kept the cup in my lips the entire car ride, as if constantly sipping at it. Wynn tried to make fun of me, but when she didn't get a response she eventually gave up. On the walk to the office, dad asked if I was doing okay. I nodded without taking the cup out of my mouth. He seemed worried but let it go. When it was time to drink the orange juice, Dr. Ramirez offered to take my cup away. I panicked and said that I'd rather have a sip of water after, because of the taste. She looked like she was going to say no, then shrugged and said it was fine. The butterflies were going crazy when she handed me the orange juice. It was worse every time I tasted it. I tried to make it look like I swallowed it without actually swallowing any, but I didn't do a very good job. I only managed to keep half of it from going down my throat. I grabbed the sippy cup and spit out the rest into the hole i'd been chewing in the rubber. I don't think anyone noticed. Even though my plan half worked, I was still tired as soon as dad put his hand on my head, and I still passed out. But the dream was different this time. Dad wasn't just rubbing me with his hand. He rubbed his dick all over my body, on my face, on my chest, on my tummy, then up and down my pussy. Just like last time, it felt real. I don't know what a real dick should feel like on my pussy, but it didn't feel like anything else I've felt, and I've never had any dream like that before! The waves rocking me that started gently at first grew more intense. Then I woke up. Or I think I woke up. The couch was shaking. I was naked. I looked up, over my head. Dad and Wynn were naked too, and he was having sex with her! It looked like she was sleeping, but I could hear her moaning. I couldn't see his dick. Maybe he was only rubbing it on her, like he did to me in the dream. He was swearing a bunch and Dr. Ramirez kept telling him how good he was doing. She kept writing in her notebook. His eyes were closed so he didn't notice me watching. I tried to get up so I could get a better look, but I couldn't move my arms. I could hardly see with the room spinning so much. I could feel the moment fading away, like when you're about to wake up from a dream. I tried to hold on to it, to force myself to keep my eyes open. Then I woke up. I didn't go back to sleep. I just woke up. It was the same as last time. An hour had passed. Wynn was yawning. Dad was blushing like crazy. I lost a whole hour. When I went to the bathroom, my pussy was wet and sticky, like when I play with myself. How did that happen without being touched?
This doesn't make any sense. That had to be real, right? Why would I start having dreams like that for no reason? But why would dad do that? Why hasn't Wynn said anything? Now that I think about it, I've been having dreams like that every night since the first therapy session. And I've never touched myself every night before this started either. I think Dr. Ramirez did something to all of us. Even if it's just dreams, it can't be a coincidence. I'm going to talk to Wynn tonight.
Signed,
Ashley
